So I wanted to write a bit about the best piece of media I have watched in a long time according to my subjective view, namely Blue Eye Samurai.
I watched it with friends, and not all of them shared my enthusiasm. I saw some episodes twice or even thrice by now.
When I reflected on why I liked it so much later on, I realised that it combines two of my other favourite, strong-female-led stories:
Kill Bill
and Mulan.
Of course, Mulan is a wholesome story about bending gender stereotypes and fighting for what is right, but Kill Bill is pure vengeance porn, pure male gaze extravaganza, swooshing swords and flying heads, and I love it for it.
I love the outfits, I love the music, I love the simplicity of the story, I love Uma Thurman, and, let’s be honest…
I love stories about vengeance.
Mizu, the main character of Blue Eye Samurai, lives only for vengeance and sees herself as the vessel of that mission. She wants to kill the only few white men living in seventeenth-century Japan who managed to sneak in to do some illegal trade. They are vile creatures, making money off of weapons and prostitution, and one of them sired her.
As a mixed-race person with striking blue eyes and conspicuous features, she is an outcast, and there is nothing she can do to make her fate better apart from fighting her way through life.
*
And she fights better than anyone else, which gives her no happiness, glory, or satisfaction.
She only brings death to every place she steps into, and there is no expectation of a happy ending at the end of her path.
***
I believe that one of my character’s most significant shortcomings is that I sometimes find it hard to forgive.
I talked about it with my therapist in the past, and of course, it is rooted in trauma, like probably everything everyone mindlessly does these days.
It is not because I might not be the nicest person in certain scenarios, as I always assumed.
When I got back with my ex-partner for around a year in 2022, after a year-long break, I remember I asked him many times about the things that had happened between us in the previous years of our long relationship.
I requested him numerous times to give me the reason why he did certain things. Why did he decide to hurt my feelings at that particular time?
He had no response; he apologised many times, but he was also very clear that the only thing I could do to progress our relationship was to forgive him.
And I tried.
At this point in my life, as of 29th February 2024, I did forgive.
From my current perspective, we were so young and so dumb, and we had no idea what we were doing. We didn’t understand what love was and that the fact that we found each other, two compatible individuals, relishing in each other’s presence was so precious, so pure. Maybe sacred even. So basically, he shouldn’t have done those things, but he didn’t know any better because of fears, how he was raised, and just being unsure about the future of our relationship.
He probably wouldn’t have done any of those things if he knew what the future would look like, but I do want to believe this is the best possible outcome for all parties involved.
*
Women love vengeance and don’t tell me I’m wrong. Not all women, of course.
We want to be “the better people”, by showing how much we don’t care about our exes, how much we grew beyond all the transgressions, how much we healed from narcissistic abuse. We want to show that our independence/amazing new relationship proves our worth that was previously stepped upon, which is, of course, the best type of happy retaliation.
We look at the new partners of our exes on social media, knowing so little about them beyond snippets from their lives and want to feel sorry for them in our graciousness. Eh, you only took away my problem, didn’t you?
My problem with this act is that it hurts one more than it helps with anything. It is just a coping mechanism, benevolent indifference that covers all the real raw feelings that are difficult to deal with. Based on basic human psychology, we know this behaviour might even trigger some frustration in our ex-partners (their egos will want to believe we still care about them), but even if it does, so what? Do we want them to return to us? Even if we do, would it be the way to begin a healthy new chapter of your relationship?
Do we just want them to feel something? For what purpose? Unhealthy satisfaction?
*
So, in a way, I can relate to the allure of this ‘I am better than you’ musical theatre act, but only to a limited degree.
Because vengeance doesn’t work for me, as much as some part of my sometimes unforgiving brain craves it for some silly comfort.
I only see two ways one can do it – the above scenario, where I do a pantomime of indifference while seething and only hurting myself.
And the other one, where I don’t care, and the retribution doesn’t matter to me completely.
And both, kind of suck.
So, according to my therapist, this is also a trauma response (again, like literally every single thing we do, the only real reason we even breathe; and I hope you’re getting that I am making fun of calling everything trauma these days).
When I stop feeling a connection with someone, I feel just nothing towards them. No nostalgia or interest. There is no need for forgiveness because there is no hurt. They cannot irritate me or remind me of how I was feeling when I loved them and wanted them to treat me better.
I don’t enjoy this emptiness.
I simply can no longer remember how it was to love them. I just cannot relate. And this is supposed to be another coping mechanism, as I was told.
I asked my therapist many times – is this relatively normal? Do other people move on completely like that?
We see stories of exes getting back with each other after decades (look at Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, for example). In my case, I might be vaguely curious about where my past lovers are with their lives, but if I never hear back from them, that is also quite neat.
I will never get my sour satisfaction after they hurt my feelings, but also I just don’t want it anymore. It has no meaning to me.
I don’t think this way I even have a chance to ever grow from forgiveness. There is nothing to forgive where there is nothing left to feel.
***
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I tried to find stories on the internet about people who still bore feelings for their ex-partners after many years.
I read about Ali, who called himself a tough man and who only cries once in 5 years (very specific). But whenever he thinks about a woman he lost, he would shed a tear or two. He said he would give so much just for one more night with her.
I read about a woman who moved to another country, got married, got pregnant, but still misses her ex ‘like crazy’ (Jesus, why would you get married then).
I read about Jess, who lost her boyfriend due to her eating disorder and insecurities and now suffers in an unloving marriage with a much older man who took care of her.
I read about an anonymous woman who said no to a man at the altar and now regrets her decisions. The man and his family hate her. Somehow, he didn’t block her on social media (more than I can say about myself for lesser acts of misconduct) and she stares at his photos, daydreaming about the life they could’ve had. She is also married to another person now.
They are all very miserable individuals, unable to move on. This doesn’t seem to me like a more desirable alternative. However, maybe they were the ones who hurt the other person? Maybe the regret is part of what still haunts them?
***
*
There is no point in dwelling on the past, romanticising it, or thinking about what could’ve been.
I literally heard a line from one of my ex-lovers last year that we could’ve been happy in another life and another world, and I think he meant it. It’s the most cheesy thing in the world, and I am not sure if it’s tragic or laughable – but it is also just irrelevant.
The choices were made, and we have to live with them. But one will still probably wonder – where does love go when it’s gone?
Maybe it’s a blessing, that it is also gone with all the hurt.
To the people who hurt my feelings in the past, maybe I don’t wish each of you all the best. One day I probably will. But I do forgive you – however, the value of it is minimised by how little it costs me at this point, and I am not sure how to feel about it.
