I tend to avoid talking about my religious beliefs while at the same time, I love asking people whether they believe in something themselves. Quite hypocritical, I know, but people make worse faux pas.
I recently talked with a couple of friends about the perfect career path for me – I think I would make a great priest.
I am very much into theology, philosophy, and history. I have a quite soulful, innocent and serious demeanour and I think people tend to believe easily that I am an affectionate and loving person (let’s not discuss whether it’s true, I am speaking in theory now about my career prospects). I like telling people what to do, taking care of my community and speaking to crowds.
Also, importantly, I would look great in an alb.
There are some limitations though – I am catholic and of course, there are no female catholic priests. I will purposefully omit the topic of celibate. And I suppose it is useful to be a person of faith in this whole career line.
I wish I could believe in more. I really, really do.
I identified myself as a religious person until around the age of 23 when I just stopped to do rituals that kept my life more regulated, more related to a religious calendar and more in tune with the whole idea of a certain guy keeping tabs on your every move.
And the faith, whether it existed so solidly or not in the first place, faded away.
My common response to people asking me about my faith has always been that I was raised as a catholic and since I’m Polish then I guess it’s a given what I am. And if they tried to make me elaborate, I would say that faith is a gift.
And I still believe in that. And I don’t know whether it was truly given to me ever, even if I strongly convinced myself that I held hands with Jesus (I am not being sarcastic now).
After losing my brother, I had the biggest problem with ‘religious talk’. Normally, I am very respectful towards what people tell me about signs, miracles and almost-losing-50-quid-but-Jesus-reminded-me-of-the-voucher-code situations. Some of my closest friends in the world (actually, most of them for whatever reason) are relatively very religious.
And I absolutely knew that when they were telling me that my brother was in a better place now, their intentions were great. They were saying that because they cared about my pain.
Still, it only added fuel to my fire of resentment towards this world.
Not only did I not believe anyone could be sure about a magical place where I would meet my brother again. Even if it did exist. As Catholics, we know that heaven is not granted. And as I lived in a very close neighbourhood to hell, staying in damnation sounded like a more familiar option for me and my kin.
Still, when I considered myself to be a religious person, I was very serious and bookish about it. I did read the Bible quite a lot, even the stuff that people prefer not to think about too much.
I love all the memes about how angels are supposed to look. Closer to H.P. Lovecraft monsters than nativity.
I really liked the story of Lot, which is one of the most disturbing things I have read in my entire life.
And I have always loved religious symbolism and art. We can’t deny that religion had a tremendous influence on how we perceive the world, on our values and sensitivity towards art.
Symbols are supposed to be an almost magical language, a formula to sneak messages and inspire. It is truly exciting to see these cryptic signs while being delighted by the beauty and drama of art pieces.
That is one of the reasons why I decided to get two religious symbols tattooed on my own body, but maybe let’s not get too deep into this topic for now.
Since, intellectually, I am so thrilled by mysticism, why is everything in me rejecting the idea of fully trusting some higher power? Is it cynicism? Is it my own ego? Is it dejection?
We all probably heard a famous saying (he had a knack for these catchy phrases) of Nietzsche about the God being dead, we killed Him and what now.
Nietzsche recognized that the culture was becoming more and more secular and people had to find their own spiritual/intellectual consolation. For some, it could’ve been war, for others politics, or science, or philosophy, or opium.
Philosophy could be most spiritually akin to the concept of religion, however, we also all feel that it is very much human-made, human-inspired and therefore full of flaws and always up to discussion.
I dabble a little bit in philosophy myself- as much as I can stomach without feeling like I’m told how to think.
It brings some comfort from time to time, again, similar to religion, however, it never lasts long. No sane philosopher will ever claim that anything is eternal anyway.
So maybe this is why I also, intentionally or not, immerse myself a little bit in spiritualism.
However, what is it even? I do yoga 2-3 times a week and I am absolutely able to just focus on strengthening my core and not listening to any spiritual talk. But I have moments when, again, I really want to believe. I really want to think that my breath is fire and that I am connected with the world and that we are all more than this flesh.
Some of us believe in nothing, but how many can actually really accept that there is a void that we have either chosen or have not been given to fill?
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