Yes, the title is inspired by a mediocre BTS song.
The truth is that all I want to do these days is write and dance.
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I remember that around 3 months ago I had a conversation with a friend in Barcelona and we talked about self-acceptance and self-development.
I told him about some positive changes in my life. The fact that even though my world was very chaotic in many ways and I didn’t have much figured out still, in a way I was happier than I used to be. I started making baby steps towards self-love and accepting myself for who I was and life in general felt a little less overwhelming than it had been before.
He said then, with complete confidence: ‘Oh, there is one more thing that you are doing that you didn’t do before. That makes you happier too’.
I completely blanked and had no idea what he was talking about.
He was talking about social dancing.
I told him that, possibly, he was wrong.
I do not think social dancing (in my case, bachata) has improved my self-esteem or self-love. I know that some people do it for validation, but in my case, it simply doesn’t work this way. As a certified nerd, the only real validation that gives me a real dopamine rush comes from my career and intellectual challenges – and trust me, this can be auto-destructive in many ways.
I think in some ways, social dancing even made those things worse for me.
Why am I doing this then?
So a year ago, my life looked very different.
Almost exactly 12 months ago, I got back with my ex-partner and we started our new life together in London.
Being in this new and old, at the same time, relationship, gave me a lot of mental and emotional stability that I wanted to use for many different purposes. I started this blog, I was learning painting, I was doing bachata and belly dancing, and lots of online dance classes, and I also started learning to code.
If that sounds like too much at once it is because it was and I was definitely running away from something.
I wasn’t really social dancing back then – maybe I would go to an event once in two months. Sometimes I would bring my partner as he wanted to feel more integrated into my life. He didn’t like it much when I was going alone. But he tried to be part of this, part of what was going on in my head.
I was protecting myself from that with all the force I could muster, shielding myself from the relationship I knew had to end eventually.
And then it did and I started dancing bachata with strangers. And people who eventually became my friends. Some of them stopped being my friends since then, which may break my heart a little sometimes. And it only started in September last year.
More often than I would like to admit, I had so much fun at social dancing events that it only increased the guilt that I felt anyway, following my break up.
And whenever my soul felt empty, I would go social dancing.
Now I worry that everyone who knows me from the bachata scene and who sees me dance will also wonder how empty I feel today.
Well, it fluctuates.
It doesn’t work as therapy as real therapy forces you to face you emotions. Dancing bachata absolutely makes me forget about them, which is basically what a lot of us unhealthily crave in their life.
I really do like the people I meet and dance with. Most of them are so nice and there is such amazing diversity of backgrounds, worldviews and ages. But when you get closer to people, you sometimes get burned and then you have to see them on the dancefloor and pretend that it does not bother you. Everyone has the right to be there, and you can always leave yourself.
Also, I wonder perhaps if it is really the best use of my time, whether I do not tire myself down constantly. There are other things I could do, but somehow I get back to dancing, which is how it has been for six months.
I literally dance my problems away and as much as fun it sounds, I might need to rethink whether it really works for me.
I wrote this very self-indulgent note to challenge myself and also maybe see if anyone will relate to my thoughts. I can see a lot of people for whom the dance scene is the only hobby, the only source of friends and dates, and something that regulates their weekly schedule. Only six months ago, this lifestyle would sound nothing but exotic to me. These days it feels too familiar.
Maybe I should give myself permission not to dance.
Btw I also just happen to really like dancing, so that might be one of the reasons why I do it.
Update as of 26th February 23: I have danced three nights in a row, proving by this to myself, and to the world, that I am full of, well, certain hypocrisy.
