Do we all live in shame?
This year, I made a commitment to myself, that I will not let my life decisions be led by fear.
Courage is one of my core values; in general, I have never been a coward in most areas of my life. In some of them, I have so much courage I don’t even know where it comes from (e.g. I love public speaking).
But I was afraid, still, very much, of a couple of things.
And one thing primarily – being seen for who I really am.
One of the most entertaining books I read this year was ‘The 48 Laws of Power’ by Robert Greene, a highly immoral guide for achieving success in life in the most Machiavellian way. I will never be a Machiavelli, as my heart is by its nature as soft as salted butter, and I cry when I see Facebook cat shelter ads. However, I believe that if you think that certain features of your character are imbalanced, you should try to move them a little bit to the middle of the spectrum.
I spoke with my therapist about this book, and she asked me why I want to become more powerful, confident, or more in control of people.
The answer was – so they cannot hurt me.
In ‘The 48 Laws of Power’, Robert Greene encourages readers not to show who they truly are, to always conceal their intentions and never say loud their first thoughts. Being honest is a weakness according to the book, as we do it to share the burden of our truth.
I generally disagree with everything that is said in this book. I believe, however, that if we are not ashamed of who we are, nobody will have the power to hurt us, using our truth against us.
In recent years, I also thought a lot about the shameful nature of loneliness and isolation and how easy it is to get stuck in this vicious cycle. I think in general, as a society, we have very little compassion for people desperate for love and attention. Very often, if we are ashamed of a certain weakness in ourselves, seeing the same one in others will make any sympathy for them vanish. There is a lot of self-hatred in this instinct, and I am not sure how many people realise this common trigger.
Romantic shame
If there is any video on YouTube that I can say I just love, it is ‘Shame’ by Contrapoints (Natalie Wynn).
It tells the story of Natalie’s friendship with another trans woman that slowly transitioned to a passionate, intense, unrequited infatuation.
There is one quote from that video that really resonates with me, and it goes:
‘This is garbage and I want to die’.
I am the first person to turn my vulnerability and shame into a joke.
There is of course another layer of complication to Natalie’s story as she is a trans woman who tried hard to convince herself to be heterosexual in order to be more accepted by society. Her love towards another trans woman was even considered by the subject of her feelings/best friend as something shameful.
As much as I cannot even imagine the struggle that Natalie has to face, I feel like shame can come from the situation that women, in general, are put in by society – as objects of adoration, the ones to be chased, the ultimate prize and totally passive. And there is pleasure in that, seeing yourself as desirable in someone’s eyes, knowing that you might be someone’s fantasy and misery. A very fleeting pleasure, not really empowering in any way.
Natalie says in the video: ‘I do think that the thrill of being desired is a valid thing to want. (…) Relinquishing responsibility for your own desires by letting someone else take control, can be the only way you can enjoy sex at all.’
Wearing your heart on your sleeve might cause you shame. Whereas being jaded and controlled might lead you to another type of desperation, where the hunger for something more, for elevating your existence, for complete sexual satisfaction, will cast a shadow over everything you achieved and preserved thanks to your restraint.
To finish this on a more positive note – I think that one of the best things you can do for yourself is to actively search for rejection, abandonment and humiliation, maybe starting in 2023. I know how harsh it sounds but trust me, at some point, you will realise that all of that is just part of human existence.
You will never become immune to the emotional pain of shame but you will get over it much quicker and that is one of the greatest skills you could ever possess. It might not be about complete desensitisation, but maybe about moving on from it at a pace that could be sometimes surprising even to you.
