Don’t get discouraged, but this will not be a happy one. Maybe there will be a semi-optimistic message at the end.
Easter has ended, and it used to be my favourite holiday of the year. This year, I did nothing to celebrate it, struggled a little with back pain, and stressed over several things in my life. At least I spent some quality time with a friend’s puppy, which brought back memories of a simpler time when I lived in a tiny village surrounded by animals and nature.
It is April now, and April is almost May. May 2024 will be the fifth anniversary of the time when my brother, who was almost exactly five years older than me, had an accident, stayed unconscious for over a month and passed away.
I spoke about having premature grey hair with someone yesterday, and I actually said that the reason why I have this patch of white hair that doesn’t go away is due to genetics.
No, it’s not. Neither my siblings nor my parents had that. I told a white lie, not wanting to say something upsetting at a party.
Now, these few white hairs are meticulously blended into my very expensive highlights, and nobody can tell, but sometimes I notice silver glimmering, and I remember that I got them first around mid-2019.
I remember the middle of 2019 in many details – until my brother’s funeral. A few days after that, I pulled myself together and attended an interview that landed me my first job in medical affairs. I can only be grateful to the past me because now, on reflection, I see how amazing this job was.
I got the job, and I sleepwalked through my three-month notice period. Well, I actually almost didn’t sleep at all.
That was around the time when my relationship was beginning to end, I felt my heart getting heavier than ever and understood that we really had limited time. Almost every night, I dreamt that my brother was still alive.
It still happens to me sometimes, and often, these dreams feel more believable than reality. We all know that death happens; it is one of the most meaningful facets of our existence.
However, emotionally, I don’t think I have fully realised even until today that one day, you can still keep on living even though someone who was a significant part of who you are, part of your identity and an anchor to this world, just disappears.
After that, my life completely changed. I was always very family-oriented, but after that incident, it all crumbled. We all suffered, and in a way, I had it easier just by being able to fly to another country, live my busy life, and pretend, at least sometimes, that nothing happened. I am working on this, and my family relations have improved. I learnt a lot about forgiveness.
Now it’s another Easter, and I wish I could have spent it with my family.
It has been half of a decade, a considerable amount of time – enough to get over many things, enough to destroy many things. Still standing strong and being able to take care of yourself can already be an accomplishment, which is something that I struggle to accept as my overachiever self.
I had a lot of therapy, I exercised a lot, and I tried to understand myself better, build relationships with people, and be more gentle with myself. I wrote a lot and worked a lot. I also started many things and never finished them. I had a number of forgettable romances; it probably would’ve been better if they had never happened (sorry, if you’re reading this and you were one of the involved parties).
Five years later, I look at myself, and you know, I have a lot of hope most of the time.
I could tell you, that I learned not to care about many things, because in comparison they seem unimportant.
It is partially true, but I also reject that. I do want to stress about work, have silly crushes, argue and miss people, and sometimes be even immature. I still want to want things despite losing so much in the past.
That is one of the reasons why I reject stoicism, and cooling down your emotions. I would rather be the slave of my feelings than know the alternative, where you don’t believe that you can desire anything that might compensate for what existed in your past.
***
There Is Another Sky – Emily Dickinson
There is another sky,
Ever serene and fair,
And there is another sunshine,
Though it be darkness there;
Never mind faded forests, Austin,
Never mind silent fields—
Here is a little forest,
Whose leaf is ever green;
Here is a brighter garden,
Where not a frost has been;
In its unfading flowers
I hear the bright bee hum:
Prithee, my brother,
Into my garden come!
