When I recently told my boss about another dental appointment I had to go to (probably a third one in two weeks), I needed to finally confess that the purpose of my disappearance wasn’t any major tooth fixing but the fact that I wanted to bleach my teeth for pure vanity.
Her response was: ‘You really take good care of yourself’.
If she only knew (hi, Val, if you’re reading this).
I work hard to look my best and defeat the decay of time, and at the same time, I’m not interested in plastic surgery or cosmetic procedures (mainly because I have major trust issues).
I’m just a natural beauty, spending hours every week and lots of money on my grooming routines.
Of course, probably like everyone else, I have periods when I don’t care about this whole nonsense and get distracted by work or hobbies too much to even look in the mirror once a day, but in general, I want to be beautiful more than it is probably healthy for me.
Even more than that, I want to be other things. And when I think of myself, really define who I am, I think first of other traits and aspirations: I want to be good at my job, I want to have multiple skills, contribute to the world, I want to be a pleasant person to be around, I want to be healthy, and I want to be fit.
But at the same time, I can’t stop the feeling that none of that matter if, at the same time, I am not at least passing as semi-good looking.
I feel like I need to state here the disclaimer that, of course, lots of people might think I am funny looking, and I am not even claiming they are wrong. It is fine; I honestly care only about my own beauty standards, which I apply only to myself, and which are already pretty ridiculously high.
This feeling doesn’t precisely control my life, but it does change the way I live for sure. I don’t really drink alcohol mainly for health/beauty reasons, nothing other than that. I have a strict diet most of the time, and of course, I work out a lot. If I said that I did all of this exercising just for physical/mental health, nobody would believe me anyway. I won’t go into details about my skincare routine as I don’t feel ready for my sanity to be publicly questioned (for the record, no, I don’t bathe in the blood of virgins).
We are encouraged these days to celebrate body positivity and look beyond what society tells us we should look like.
But at the same time, beauty is worshipped, used for political reasons (please check any female conservative Youtuber and how she presents herself), and is associated with a good character, aspirational lifestyle, health, and strength.
Also, I can’t pretend that looks don’t matter when it comes to dating. But at the same, they are a little of a double-edged sword, unfortunately.
I wish I could believe otherwise; I wish I could be convinced that there are people who are genuinely able to see past appearances and only appreciate the beauty of the soul. The latter is more important, but we all get charmed, and we all want to be seen as beautiful in the eyes of someone. Even the most liberated women deep inside want to be perceived as attractive or at least not judged by their looks.
At the same time, I find it very problematic that I have this deeply rooted feeling that nothing will ever elevate me as a woman in the eyes of society as much as looking great.
I blame pop culture, classic culture, and the way I was raised.
With pop culture, nothing can be more evident than the fact that we take it for granted that what we see on our screens has to be conventionally attractive. Anything else we treat as an aberration or being brave and unconventional at best. If I ever wear something revealing and someone calls me brave, I’ll never leave my house again.
But even classical literature, the Bible, The Odyssey, you name it, make it clear that the only way for a woman to be the object of admiration, to spark any interest or desire, or to inspire a war, is to be gorgeous.
If you have high standards for yourself, it is hard to pass on this one, isn’t it?
Even in stories where what is most valued is a solid moral compass, like The Lord of the Rings, Aragorn marries the most beautiful elfish princess in the realm. Don’t tell me it was because she knew how to wield that sword and not because she looked like Liv Tyler.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how many times I will get validation from the external world. Attention is nice but can be tiresome. If I don’t believe that I hold actual value, regardless of how others perceive me, I will never get released from this trap of self-doubt and constant checking.
Nobody wins this battle, as even when you are beautiful, someone (let’s say, Nietzsche) might tell you that “woman is the source of all folly and unreason, the siren figure who lures the male philosopher out of his appointed truth-seeking path.”
Like we have nothing better to do.
If someone asked me how actually to work on this ridiculous situation, I would propose that what you need to do is precisely look for this aforementioned truth-seeking path. Realise that we are all walking masses of protein and what matters is our efforts, our emotions, and how we connect with others. Finding our purpose and relentlessly working towards it.
And then let someone take your breath away by their beauty and forget about all I said.
