I am planning to have a short social media break around Christmas and probably until the end of this year but I really wanted to reflect on this time, which came definitely too soon for me.
I still do not have any Christmas decorations in my modest Richmond apartment, and I am going from one Xmas party to another with more irritation about the traffic than jolly feelings in my heart.
This time used to be incredibly important to me, as I have my birthday on Christmas eve and in general, I just like seeing people happy. I still remember the feeling of gleeful anticipation I used to have.
For a lot of us, we couldn’t spend this time with our families in the last couple of years. Christmas 2020 was the first time in my life when I didn’t see my family at all and I was at risk of being completely alone, if not for a friend that gave me some comfort and shelter during that depressing time, two years ago.
I think since then my expectations towards this most wonderful time of the year have decreased exponentially and nowadays, I just hope to have a break.
As I probably alluded to on my blog recently several times, I do not have many strong family relations, to put it very mildly, and it is something I have to deal with, similarly to many other people.
I am sending my thoughts to everyone who is going through loss and grief during this time, who lost love and hope or who was abandoned.
This overwhelming enforced joy can taste like ash in your mouth when you know that you will spend it alone and the best you can hope for is a few texts from friends and acquaintances. Envy is part of human nature and yearning for closeness and intimacy is the most natural desire.
Please do not get me wrong, I am not in that position – I will spend my Christmas with my sister, who I love very much, in beautiful Scotland.
But at the same time, various experiences in recent years opened my eyes to a deeper understanding of loneliness. How multifaceted it can be, how much shame is associated with it and how hard it is to talk about it.
And how much deeper you can feel it when you think that the whole world is drunkenly, unapologetically joyful.
I will try to remember everyone I know who can be lonely this Christmas. There are also many charities you can support, that reach out to people for whom Christmas might be an especially difficult period.
I wish you a beautiful time, regardless of how you choose/are able to spend it. Even if this is not going to be the best Christmas of your life, there are many more to come, and many less glamorous dates that can brighten your year without unnecessary ad campaigns
